Can I spill something to you?
Being a mama is hard. For me.
I have so many beautiful friends for whom mothering seems to come so easily--
and while they aren't perfect people (or perfect moms),
mothering is their main dish.
Their be-all.
Their unquestioned purpose.
I want to be that way.
And I struggle and feel insecure because, so far, I'm so often not.
Coming to terms with this--
trying to figure out where the balance lies;
searching, endlessly searching, for who He wants me to be;
the mama He wants me to be;
looking inside myself to see if I have the strength to submit my will to His
so that He can refine me & make something better out of me than I ever could--
It's a work in progress.
I was feeling pretty low about all of this, but then the other night I had a beautiful "tender mercy" moment.
May I share it with you?
It was the middle of the night. Both girls had terrible colds.
I woke from a deep sleep and 5 things happened all at once:
one - Maren was crying and needed to be calmed before Lizzy woke up and started freaking out,
two - the vaporizer needed to be refilled,
three - Lizzy did wake up and needed to go potty, and also needed help getting her jammies back on,
four - both kids needed another dose of medicine, and
five - a mouse ran across the kitchen floor.
I took care of all of it with patience, efficiency, and love {except for the mouse}. Kid calmed, vaporizer refilled, potty visited, jammies on, meds administered, kids asleep, glue board set out {mouse caught and dispatched the next morning, but that is another story}. And once I got back to bed myself, I felt the calm assurance --
see? you are okay at this.
We (okay, I) have a lot of "will-you-forgive-me" moments. Like, all the time.
But there are also moments of astonishing hope and clarity.
Lizzy running straight into my arms first thing every morning.
Coloring together on the living room floor.
Endless Curious George stories on the couch.
Working together to get the chores done.
They all share this:
Slowness. Taking time. Willingness to postpone other plans.
And it is always so worth it.
"And be ye kind one to another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
even as God for Christ's sake
hath forgiven you."
Ephesians 4:32
Always so worth it.