Can I spill something to you?
Being a mama is hard. For me.
I have so many beautiful friends for whom mothering seems to come so easily--
and while they aren't perfect people (or perfect moms),
mothering is their main dish.
Their be-all.
Their unquestioned purpose.
I want to be that way.
And I struggle and feel insecure because, so far, I'm so often not.
Coming to terms with this--
trying to figure out where the balance lies;
searching, endlessly searching, for who He wants me to be;
the mama He wants me to be;
looking inside myself to see if I have the strength to submit my will to His
so that He can refine me & make something better out of me than I ever could--
It's a work in progress.
I was feeling pretty low about all of this, but then the other night I had a beautiful "tender mercy" moment.
May I share it with you?
It was the middle of the night. Both girls had terrible colds.
I woke from a deep sleep and 5 things happened all at once:
one - Maren was crying and needed to be calmed before Lizzy woke up and started freaking out,
two - the vaporizer needed to be refilled,
three - Lizzy did wake up and needed to go potty, and also needed help getting her jammies back on,
four - both kids needed another dose of medicine, and
five - a mouse ran across the kitchen floor.
I took care of all of it with patience, efficiency, and love {except for the mouse}. Kid calmed, vaporizer refilled, potty visited, jammies on, meds administered, kids asleep, glue board set out {mouse caught and dispatched the next morning, but that is another story}. And once I got back to bed myself, I felt the calm assurance --
see? you are okay at this.
We (okay, I) have a lot of "will-you-forgive-me" moments. Like, all the time.
But there are also moments of astonishing hope and clarity.
Lizzy running straight into my arms first thing every morning.
Coloring together on the living room floor.
Endless Curious George stories on the couch.
Working together to get the chores done.
They all share this:
Slowness. Taking time. Willingness to postpone other plans.
And it is always so worth it.
"And be ye kind one to another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
even as God for Christ's sake
hath forgiven you."
Ephesians 4:32
Always so worth it.
19 comments:
oh, i love this post!
being a mama is hard for me, too.
i know the calmness and moments of clarity that you wrote about because i've felt those, too. and every time it happens i want to grab ahold of it and never let it go. i haven't managed to do that yet either, but atleast we're moving in the right direction. xo
p.s. how cute is your new header? love it!
As long as we're confessing...from the moment I met you I thought, "what an awesome lady. such a kind, sweet, patient mom. so strong in the gospel. such an amazing teacher." so while I can't see behind "closed doors" and what happens when it's just you and your chickies. You are someone I look up to and admire and strive to be like. I also know that this is one of those reasons the Lord put us here in the beautiful North Country!
This is such a great reminder to all of us mama's to slow down and appreciate the small (sometimes so small we don't even notice) moments that happen while our children are growing up. Thank you for being brave enough to put it out there :)
Oh I so relate. The middle of the night is so hard for me. My first reaction is frustration and annoyance... So, not a pretty momma.
Thanks for this one. It's hard for me, too, and I'll tell you, one of my internet pet peeves (if that's a thing) is the frequent blog posts about women gushing about how much they love being moms and how perfect their lives are and how much they adore their little angel children, which should NOT bother me . . . shouldn't I be so happy for them that they feel that way? But they usually just make me feel like crap for being an awful mother and not getting things right most of the time. So I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who doesn't feel like I'm doing the best job ever and isn't deliriously happy 100% of the time . . . especially in the middle of the night ;-)
I struggle, too. Especially as my kids get older. I feel like I've got little ones figured out pretty good...my older kiddos frighten me at times. Together we are learning that family life requires a lot of tolerance and love.
Such a beautiful post! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! They served as a great reminder to me, to take things as they come and in the end it's what my husband and children think of me that matters most!
thank you so much for sharing, amanda :) i can totally relate... to both feeling like this isn't "my thing" to wondering if i'm doing ok, and to those moments where you realize you're a great mom. i think it's good to remind ourselves that parenting isn't so black and white, and that they way everyone goes about it/feels about it may be different and that's ok. (and to not compare ourselves to the "perfect" moms we imagine others to be.) xo
So many of us obviously feel this way! My kiddos are 18 and 21 now and I tell them all the time, I love them always and forever, but I don't always like them. It's true in all relationships, and I think they need to understand that liking comes and goes, but loving is forever.
BTW, I'm super impressed with your mouse control! Way to go!
Very sweet! And just a reminder - being a mama - though often rewarding - is HARD work! And there are lots of ups and downs. Blessing as you try & trust yourself - one moment at a time.
i am right there with you. being pregnant & sick with a crazy little one year old leaves this mama tired and drained all the time. i feel like i'm always needing to beg for forgiveness. :) thanks for sharing.
i love this post lady. i remember seeing you as a mama this summer and just being amazed at how you were so patient, and kind ALL THE TIME. it was a great example to me of not freaking out. i like what you said about slowness. being a mama takes slowness, and it teaches me to not be so self-centered....which i'm grateful for. (most of the time. :)
Oh Amanda...
I long for the opportunity to read you one more Curious George story on the couch...to work together to get the chores done...to put my arms out for you to run straight into...wishing I had done it more.
Then I look at you and marvel at the woman you have become, and give thanks that somehow you know how to be a devoted wife, a thoughtful mother, a creative genius, even a spiritual leader.
I'm not sure that mothers are supposed to be perfect. But I am sure that I am a few steps closer to perfect because you are my daughter.
xox/m
I was online with some things to get done and told myself no blogs! But I needed a quick break and decided to click on yours. Then I read this and cried! You really struck a cord. Thank you for your sweet spirit and your willingness to share, inspire and encourage.
From one of my favorite talks right now: "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.
Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not." -Uchtdorf
I think we'd all be surprised that every mom has these struggles. I feel like I'm apologizing to my kids all. the. time. One time Brad was telling me about his mom yelling at him, and he said, "Can you even imagine my mom yelling?" And honestly, I could. Not that she's a yelling lady, but because she's a mom. I just told him (with his mama right there), "I think every mom loses it." So, although it's difficult being a mom, you're right, it is always so worth it. That's why we keep doing it. =)
Isn't it funny how sometimes we flip out over nothing and other times it can be total chaos and we keep a totally cool head? I'm so grateful for moments like that. A lot of mothering came not-so-naturally as I thought it would. The image I created of the type of mother I planned to be is oh-so-far from what I am, but the good moments add up and every once in awhile I can look back and see that I'm getting better.
Anytime you need reassurance that you're a rockstar, you just call me up because I think you're amazing, and you've got this.
Love ya!
Shawna
P.S. My mom told me that when she had young kids she remembered panicking as she realized that she had no idea what she was doing. She got down on her knees & prayed that she wouldn't ruin her kids & got the impression: this is a learning experience for you just as much as it is for them. I would not have set it up this way if you were suppose to know how to be a perfect parent from the beginning...
I'll have to ask her again and email you. It was so much more profound when she said it. :)
I don't know you, and I couldn't even tell you how I stumbled upon your blog (one click on a friend's blog list led to another and here I found myself many clicks later!). I just wanted to say that it's beautiful when women are courageous enough to say the things you said - being a mom is hard work, and the way each of us goes about it looks differently. It's hard not to play the comparison game. But clearly you have a beautiful heart that seeks to honor God, and He will honor that as you raise your girls. Blessings to you, thanks for being real. :)
I love you Amanda, and I love this post. Parenting is not easy, but the little happy moments, teaching moments, seeing your kids eyes light up when they see you, moments like those make it all worth it. Here is a link to one of my favorite Uchtdorf messages:
http://lds.org/pages/moments?lang=eng
{hugs}
Oh, I hear ya! Maybe this time of year is harder, too, with all the colder weather coming? I was just thinking about how easy it was to have just a little baby--eat, sleep, change diaper, cuddle lovingly, repeat. Man, it just gets more and more complicated!
I think being a parent would be easy, if it weren't for the fact that we have other responsibilities beyond taking care of the child(ren)--you know, things like make dinner for yourself and the fam, clean the house, brush your teeth, get your hair cut or go visiting teaching. :)
My mom-in-law is the mother you described--she beams and glows and her whole life is about how wonderful and lovely it was to bear and raise her 8 children. I have to keep myself from rolling my eyes at those comments. It's not that way for me.
I'm glad there are other mom's out there like me and you--grateful we're not the only ones, and that we can provide support to each other.
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